Archive for the ‘Talks to myself’ Category

Cognitive abilities of ours are not only precious as such, but also give us joy of growing wiser, revelation by revelation. I, personally, feel extremely joyful when I understand something I couldn’t grasp before.

Can you tell the difference between freedom and liberty? “I am free” vs “I am at liberty”. “Free society” vs “liberal society”. I see freedom as a personal choise to follow own values and respond (note: not ‘react’) to the life situations. One can be restricted to choose, but nevertheless free to choose. Liberty, I reckon, is merely absence of restrictions (note: I am not talking about ultimate liberty). One can be at liberty to choose, and nevertheless refuse own freedom. “To choose not to choose is also a choise,” existentialism declares.

So while liberty is an external factor, I regard freedom as an internal state. But is it the same to ‘be free’ and to ‘feel free’? “I know you gonna be free, but are you gonna feel free?”: a line from one of my inspirational songs, which I call ‘my personal anthems’. When I heard it for the first time, I was like “What is that about? Is it even possible? You’ve manifested your highest desires, you’ve proved to yourself your freedom, and still you are not feeling free?” Now that I’m experiencing manifestation of my freedom, I’ve grasped the difference.

To be free, as follows from above, is to choose your freedom. However, some manifestations of our freedom might put us in a situation where there are no conditions to practise our freedom. I cannot follow my values or respond to the life situation in a way I’d like to not because I’m restricted to do so, but because of absence of means to do so (note: it is not about blaming circumstances). Therefore, I don’t feel free, even though I understand I am free.


Read Full Post »

I don’t want to be happy

I don’t want to be happy.

Many recent choices that I’ve made, some of them rather drastic, have been based on my thirst for happiness. And now why is that I’m refusing what I was preaching?

Being happy is being content, or satisfied. Many monks are happy, because they learn to be satisfied with little they have. Some people are satisfied with what they possess or have achieved. “What else can I wish for,” they say.

I don’t want ever be satisfied. Remember Steve Jobs? “Stay hungry”. Hungry is what I wanna be. Long for more. Yearn, be eager. Not to be anxious, enjoy present moment, celebrate what is today, but never, never be content with it.

Never satisfied. But joyful.

Read Full Post »

“My little personal crisis”. Sounds familiar? We live through tough periods, at times, without much stress, while something seemingly insignificant can shake us up ruthlessly. Sometimes, you think, it just occurs, out of nothing. And it is not a thing you want to cry to a friend about. It is just for you. Suffocating. Burning.

Reaction? We numb it. Punish ourselves. “I am miserable, and my life is fucked up.” Sleep over it, and try to put it to the darkest depths of our memory, never to recall again.
Transformation is painful. When snake grows new skin and gets rid of the old one, I’m sure it must be uncomfortable. When a butterfly breaks free from its cocoon, it cannot fly straight away, its wings are too wet and weak for a period.

Blank spots are still there, whatever self-aware we might be. Some situations unveil our hidden selves, make us face our true ego, shakes up our sense of personal identity. These learnings usually feel rather unpleasant, not that they are negative, but because we never thought about ourselves this way. And those eyes-opening experiences never leave us as we were, they affect the way we think, the way we behave. They transform us.

To draw the line, personal crisis strikes when transformation takes place. Why shall we call it crisis then? Yes, it does have its pain, but without the pain of giving birth, there would not be a miracle of life. As Brene Brown calls her nervous breakdown “spiritual awakening”, I suggest we call our personal crises “personal transformations”, “encounters with consciousness”, “inner turning points” if you wish.

Insights are appreciated.

Read Full Post »